ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
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My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Ah yes. The three genders
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.