Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
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When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I’m not lazy
Found the job I’m suited for
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.