“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
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I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”