Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
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Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.