911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
You Might Also Like
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?