Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
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Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Yup
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?