At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Everyone’s family
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times