Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
You Might Also Like
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.