[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
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{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him