HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
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Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.