@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
You Might Also Like
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I love the honesty
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’