Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
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barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
new wife guy just dropped
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
good work, detective
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.