“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
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My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow