2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
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One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Pot warmers of the day.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime