[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
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Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
This rocks
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not