A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I know karate and tons of other words.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
#TopTip
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
BaD BoY!!
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Natural selection at its finest
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.