[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
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Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.