I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
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I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you