me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
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I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
The booster protects against what, now?
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
how to exercise your calf muscles
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you