[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
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every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
when there are deer in the woods
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
My whole life was a lie.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”