Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
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I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.