The prophecy is fulfilled
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her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
japanese corn
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.