My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
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I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
🐕🍷
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell