Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
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“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
at ease…shoulder.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.