Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
You Might Also Like
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I’m awake but I object,
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now