I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
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Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
She puts the hot in psychotic
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
fixed it
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.