His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
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Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
WHO DID THIS?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.