I know karate and tons of other words.
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Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
goldfish mafia
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Beauty and the Beast
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’