I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
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Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
What flavor cupcake are these
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper