“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
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Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?