Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
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interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.