“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
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I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Had to try this trend 😊
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Sign of the day..
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.