i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
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Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.