Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Weirdly Wednesday.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“I took care of your clown problem.”
figuring out my emotional availability:
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
the red hot silly peppers
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage