All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
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Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.