“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
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No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.