The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
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obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Whoa 😂
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another