You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
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i dont have time for this
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.