You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
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Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.