Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
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She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back