[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
twitter users today:
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
life finds a way
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Wait a minute…
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
#gardening
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!