Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.