Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
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Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”