*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed