[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
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fixed it
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for