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*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”