INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
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all i鈥檓 saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don鈥檛 understand you as a person
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Do NOT do this 馃檮馃檮
Friend: can I borrow 拢20?
Me: No.
*slides me 拢20
Friend: How about now?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Don鈥檛 ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don鈥檛 let capitalism win!
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that鈥檚 not how this works
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 馃檨
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
You鈥檙e never too old to set goals. For example, today I鈥檓 not going to pee in my pants.
just because your parents planned you doesn鈥檛 mean you weren鈥檛 a mistake
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now