*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit