Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
You Might Also Like
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Miscakes
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee