[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
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Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.